Boy Howdy: The Testament of Sid
by Chiefie
Summary: When Sid meets the "girl of his dreams", he considers it a blessing, but then it becomes an obsession, and eventually a curse. Will Sid finally go over the edge?
1. The Tunnel of Love

Boy Howdy: The Testament of Sid  
  
By Chief  
  
Note: Well, here it is. A series of episodes all about Sid and what happens when he experiences love. It's just a short break from the Robert Series, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.  
  
By the way, so I don't get in trouble: Sid, Arnold, and company are all owned by Nick and Viacom, so in all technicalities, they ain't mine.  
  
  
  
Session 1: The Tunnel of Love  
  
"Okay, Helga, that's about enough for today."  
  
"Thank goodness, this session seems to get longer every stinking week. Crimeny!" Helga, the aggressive young lady, turned around again to face me. "Same time next week, right?"  
  
I smiled and nodded. "Same time next week," I said as she exited my office. Helga had been seeing me for several weeks now, and her conflict was nearly resolved. Considering how terrible of a mess she seemed to be at the start of her treatment, I thought that Helga had shown fantastic improvement. I had been working with Helga since the late fall, and her meetings were supposed to end in a month or so, anyway.  
  
Just about then Rachael, my assistant, ran into the room. "Dr. Bliss, you have a new child waiting for you!"  
  
I gazed down at my clipboard to check my schedule. "Ah, yes. Another one of Mr. Simmons' students, I believe. A young man by the name of Sid."  
  
"Yep, that's him," she replied. "You'll want to prepare yourself for this one. He's quite the nutcase." I was feeling fairly confident at the time, so I just told her to send him in.  
  
Moments later I was graced with the presence of a fourth-grade child with a black leather jacket and a green hat. His sense in fashion was bizarre enough, and this was before I met him.  
  
"Hi, Sid," I told the boy, beckoning him to have a seat on the couch.  
  
"Hi, Ruth. Hi, Ruth. Hi, Ruth---"  
  
I quickly cut him off. "Now Sid, it says here that you have been undergoing an obsession with a young lady named Ruth P. McDougal." Other than an occasional "Ruth", this generated very little of a response from him.  
  
I continued onward. "Mr. Simmons has reported to me that in the past month, you have answered "R" to all of your multiple choice tests, brought pictures of the girl to show-and-tell, stolen her hair ribbons, and have drawn nothing but auburn hair in art class. Can you tell me why you are so attached to this girl?  
  
Sid looked upon me with large, bold, eyes. "Just because she's the one, Dr. Bliss. Ruth is the perfect woman for me."  
  
I sighed as the boy lit up in excitement. "This is going to be harder than I thought," I wrote on my clipboard, while attempting to actually get the session started. "Okay, then. Let's just start from the beginning, shall we? When did you first meet Ruth?"  
  
He lied on the couch with his eyes on the ceiling. After a long pause in the conversation, he finally said, "All right, if you have to know, I'll tell you."  
  
-*-*-*-.  
  
I remember the time being around the fall cheese festival. My best friend, Stinky, and myself were just riding some rides, eating some Gouda. What you'd typically expect from kids at a carnival. The exact day was October 13; I remember it precisely. We were on the Ferris wheel overlooking the entire theme park.  
  
"And, that, Sid, is why I reckon lemon cheese is my favorite kind of cheese."  
  
I had basically zoned out Stinky's conversation on lemons. I'd heard it all every day since the second grade, and although lemon cheese brought things to a whole new level, it didn't interest me all too much.  
  
Just then I saw her for the first time. She was talking to some friends, her braces shining like emeralds, her beautiful auburn hair flowing in the gentle wind. She seemed to be having a great time, just as you would expect any person to on carnival night. I looked over my car to get a closer look, and nearly fell out of the Ferris wheel.  
  
"Whoa there, Sid. I don't think you should get off yet, on account of we aren't on the ground."  
  
"I know exactly where we are Stinky, but---" I looked over at Ruth again. "But boy howdy, she is hot!" I stopped suddenly. "But wait, is that Arnold following her?" My happy face began to turn into a grimace. "That Arnold better not steal my girl, or-"  
  
"Well, Sid you know technically that ain't your girl. Arnold's been following that Ruth girl around since the start of school."  
  
"I don't care, Stinky. I'm going to get Ruth if it's the last thing I do."  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
"Sound like you liked this girl from the very beginning."  
  
"Yeah, she just seemed to perfect."  
  
"This Arnold classmate must always be on student's minds," I muttered softly to myself.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Oh, nothing, Sid. Please continue with your story." He gave me a peculiar look, but went ahead.  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
I hopped off that Ferris wheel the moment we touched the ground. I had lost my woman in a mass of people, but was determined to find her again. The next thing I saw of her was her graceful figure moving inside the House of Mirrors. Of course, I rushed in quickly after her, but that Arnold was already far ahead of me.  
  
There were so many mirrors in that building, I nearly gave up entirely. However, Ruth meant too much to me to give up. I just kept thinking to myself how I would introduce myself. "Hey there, Ruth, you're quite a babe-- -no---Did it hurt, Ruth when you fell out of heaven." I quickly decided that bad pick-up lines were out of the question, so I simply envisioned myself saying hello.  
  
Much to my dismay, I couldn't catch the fair maiden inside the House of Mirrors, but I was persistent in my search. Thankfully, to my great fortune, she was wandering towards the Tunnel of Love. Even better than this, it was Mystery Match night, where a fence kept secret who your partner would be! Using my wonderful math skills, I carefully adjusted myself in the proper position. Yet once again, though, Arnold had to stick his butt into my business. He climbed onto the fence, in hopes that he could steal from me what was rightfully mine! I thwarted his plan with climbing on the fence also. There was no way he was getting her over me. Then something happened that I didn't expect: Helga climbed onto the fence, too, for no apparent reason whatsoever. The Stinky climbed up, then Gerald, and then Robert! Pretty soon the entire population of kids was looking over the fence, and it collapsed.  
  
I saw Gerald and Phoebe climb into a boat, and I pushed Arnold's crazy grandma in the boat with him. My plot was complete! I quickly climbed into the next boat, and watched Ruth be forced to enter it, as well. She didn't seem too pleased at first, but I was sure to change that.  
  
"Hey, baby, how's it going?" I asked her in the most stylish of voices.  
  
The lady scoffed at me. "Uh, it's going okay, I guess." Just about then there was a long break in the conversation. I quickly watched the colorful hearts and glistening starts pass rapidly before our eyes. I had to think of something quick, otherwise I was going to get absolutely nothing out of this date. So I did the one thing I could think of: I wrapped my right arm around her, and found myself in two-foot water very quickly, watching the boat move away from me.  
  
"At least the ride was nearly over," I though to myself as I climbed out of the mucky water and exited the ride. About then I saw Ruth leave the park herself, and I watched Arnold look at her in total sadness.  
  
"You know, Gerald, the challenge makes me like her even more." I looked on in astonishment. Arnold still liked her, despite my efforts in the tunnel. So I decided it would be time to bring in some heavy artillery, something to stop Arnold dead in his tracks. Time to bring in my---"  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
"Okay, Sid, your time is up for today. I'll be sure to see you in two weeks."  
  
"But don't you want to hear the rest of my story?"  
  
"I'll hear it next time," I said to him in complete assurance. "It's sounds to me like you've been setting your expectations too high."  
  
"Okay, maybe my first try wasn't successful, but I wouldn't give up. The challenge made me like her even more, too." I watched Sid leave my office, and I wondered to myself how I would get this kid out of the mess he had dug himself into.  
  
  
  
Note: Be sure to send me plenty of reviews, and look out for session 2: The Arrival of Perfection. 


	2. The Lady of Perfection

Session Two: The Lady of Perfection  
  
I looked down onto my list again to see Sid's name. I was so tired, I really didn't feel like dealing with any more problem-driven youths. Helga had broken into tears the last session, and I was riding on two hours of sleep. Being a psychiatrist takes its toll on you. Still, I had to keep the money flowing, so I had Rachael bring the child in again.  
  
:"Hello, Sid," I muttered to the boy, who (wouldn't you know it) was extremely hyperactive that day.  
  
"Boy howdy, Dr. Bliss! I am so ready to talk to you today! My devious plan was finally beginning to take action."  
  
I sighed at the boy's enthusiasm, and randomly jotted down pictures from my favorite soap opera while he continued with his story.  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
Two months after the catastrophe at the Fall Cheese Festival, I began to finally unfold what I knew as the greatest plan in the history of P. S. 118.  
  
The morning started like any other. Eugene getting slammed into lockers, Harold eating fifteen bowls of sugary cereal for breakfast, and Stinky trying to scare me with some "vampire" nonsense.  
  
"I've come to suck your blood, Sid."  
  
"Geez, Stinky. Will you be quiet! Only a full-blown fraidy cat would believe in vampires."  
  
"Well Sid, I reckon I remember you thinking---"  
  
I clamped my hand over his mouth. "Shut up, Stinky. Ruth's coming." I saw my prized possession stroll her way along the cafeteria, and slowly approach her seat at the far corner of the room. Unfortunately, that chump Arnold was closing in behind her.  
  
It looked like Arnold wasn't going to stop this obsession of his without my interference. He always was getting in the way, you know? He thought I killed Principal Wartz, and he tried to steal a bag of money that was partially mine! On top of this, he supposedly "saved my life" when a sign almost fell on me, and therefore forced me into slavery for a while.  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
"Are you sure you're not exaggerating a little on those things, Sid?"  
  
"Of course not. They happened exactly the way I said they did, and he almost got me in a lot of trouble for them."  
  
I couldn't believe this child's imagination. "Why don't you just continue on with your testimony on how you hate Arnold?"  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
Anyway, something had to be done about Arnold here. This looked like I would have to call for some heavy artillery.  
  
My cousin Lila lived in a farm community called Pleasantville about an hour and a half away. I remembered that she and her single dad were going through some rough times, so maybe I could hook them up with a place in the city. So after school, I went home and called Lila on the phone. It actually surprised me she had a phone where she lived.  
  
"Hello, Lila?" I asked into the phone.  
  
"Oh, hello Sid. I'm ever so delighted you called. Look, do you think you could get your dad to send us some more money. Things are going just oh so terrible out here on the farm." The farm was nearly condemned anyway.  
  
"I've got a better idea, Lila. Why don't you move on out to Hillwood? My dad can find you a place to stay, and you can hang out with a bunch of awesome kids your age."  
  
"That sounds ever so exciting. We'll have to see what we can do."  
  
"Yeah, I replied. "My dad will probably be able to find your dad a job, so you won't have any more money problems."  
  
"Thank you, Sid. Just thank you ever so much." I let out a small chuckle to myself. Although I didn't see Lila as an attractive girl (only a freak would), but I had been told by a ton of guys that Lila was considered pretty. All I had to do was to make certain that the move went successful, and get Arnold to fall in love with her. Everything was in an order of perfection.  
  
Things only went better from there on out.  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
"So, you're saying that you had your cousin move to the city just so you could obtain the girl of your dreams?"  
  
"Are you having trouble what I'm saying?" Sid sarcastically exclaimed. "Of course that's what I'm talking about! It's the only way to get Arnold off of Ruth."  
  
"Okay, then. I didn't mean anything bad about it." I wrote down "signs of paranoia" on my clipboard, right above the Monkeyman comic I had drawn.  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
In a matter of weeks, Lila finally arrived on the scene. She had the perfect personality for Arnold: a fellow do-good. Lila never did ANYTHING wrong, with her sweet little attitude and obsession with the color green.  
  
Sitting in my desk on a bright January morning, I watched her enter the classroom to meet Mr. Simmons. I cautiously watched all the eyes of my male classmates light up as the girl had a seat in a desk. Unfortunately, Arnold didn't move a muscle. In fact, he didn't even look up. He just sat there, dreaming in his own little world. Unfortunately, Stinky's eyes lighted up brighter than anyone else's.  
  
"Gosh, that Lila girl sure is pretty." We were now walking around the playground at recess, listening to Lila's "don't smell that cow " joke, one I particularly had heard over twenty thousand times. Somehow, my poor backwoodsey buddy found it to be the funniest thing known to mad.  
  
Stinky looked over at me with that dazed expression of his. "She even has a sense of humor. Someday Sid, I'm going to ask Lila to be my gal."  
  
This was one of those times I was really happy Stinky didn't known my relation to Lila. Therefore, I was able to fake it and play along. "Not if I beat you to her first," I said, about as stupid as I could make myself sound.  
  
As I continued along the playground, Stinky remained in his stationary position. "I think I'm in love." I let him stay there, and turned over to Arnold, who STILL had nothing but Ruth on his demented mind. This made me angrier than anything; I had gone through an awful lot of trouble to get Lila here in Hillwood, and there he is ignoring her like she's nothing special. I watched him approach me, and I let loose the most evil grimace I could possibly imagine.  
  
Arnold looked up at me, his beady little eyes meeting mine. "Hey Sid, how's it going?"  
  
"Okay, I guess."  
  
"That's cool," the fiend replied, before happily strolling away. I couldn't believe it: he didn't even respect my evil face! Now it really was time to let loose the major weapons, but I was hoping fate would do the working for me. Valentine's Day was closing in, and he would more than likely try a move or two. Of course, being the classy girl that she is, Ruth would reject him. Then my turn would come.  
  
As for Lila, I just let her hang around and live her own little life. I still didn't tell anyone she was my cousin, though, since I figured it could come in handy later on. I would allow Stinky to dream about her all he wanted to.  
  
-*-*-*-  
  
Just about then a loud alarm rang on Sid's watch. "Oh, session's over, Dr. Bliss. I was smart this time and set my watch, so I'd know when to start wrapping it up."  
  
"Aren't you a smart little boy," I mumbled to myself, while accidentally dropping my easel/clipboard on the floor.  
  
Sid picked it up and gazed at it. "Hey, what is this stuff?"  
  
I quickly snagged my precious item from the boy's hand. "They're, um, psychiatrist notes. Too complicated for you to understand."  
  
  
  
Note: I know, not the longest or the most sensible chapter around. Things will begin to fit into place more soon, so be sure to keep reading. 


End file.
